New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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