Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
