You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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