So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Randomize
