Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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