oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
