gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
