Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Only a mothe r could love this liver
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
