wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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