When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
