cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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