woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
