she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Randomize
