i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
