i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
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I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
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But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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