Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
