That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
