We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
