Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
