Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
