what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
