You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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