Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
