I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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