so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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