I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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