Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
