You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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