shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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