She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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