Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
