Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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