The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
