i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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