ugly people sure do ruin things
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
