I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
