the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
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Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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