just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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