The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
