Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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