He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
