Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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