I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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