a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
