I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
