his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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