Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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