Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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