I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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