we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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