Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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