Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
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