I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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