i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
