Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
