he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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