Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Screwed.edu
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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