Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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