a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
